I feel like I have slightly retreated into this shell of my former self. Quite the statemtnt with which to begin a post, but why not just jump right in and be real? This is a safe space and we're all friends here. You can take it.
I'm supposed to be identifying to Alaska, immersed in and committed to Haines, adjusting to life up there. Being in Seattle is supposed to just be a nice visit, icing on the cake, not the refuge and protector due to its distance that it's turned into. It now contains all that is familiar and loving to me, so why return to someplace where a tornado ripped through any preconceived notions I moved there under? I like it here. I wanna stay here.
But Alaska is a mess. I was thankfully able to leave and take a break from that mess. However, that mess is on pause. It will still be there, if not intensified, when I return. Therefore, this is not the real Natalie standing before you in Seattle. She wishes it were, but it's not. Let's be honest- the real Natalie is sitting back up in Alaska, arms crossed and foot tapping, impatiently waiting for this faux Seattle Natalie to come back up and fix it. She's saying, "get real. You can't stay there. Don't get too attached- it'll just be harder to leave." Only, that's all I want to do- stay. Thus I am in limbo. And can't make any sudden movements.
I'm just tired. Thinking about it all makes me claustrophobic.
Oh and it's Christmas. You know that? I have to remind myself every day.
(Don't worry- it'll all work out. God doesn't exactly dissappoint.) ;)
Pray Pray Pray
Thanks
December 7, 2007
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